Psychosocial Health
Survivors of childhood cancer often note feeling isolated from their peers, but young adults need meaningful connections with peers to thrive.
As a cancer survivor, you may have discovered that your personal need to find and create meaning in life is enhanced.
It’s a good idea to periodically evaluate your relationships, both platonic and romantic. Are you open and honest about your cancer experience with your friends? Do you have people you can lean on when you’re struggling with physical or emotional late effects?
Studies have shown that childhood cancer survivors are less likely to marry compared to the general population. Of course, remaining unmarried throughout adulthood is a perfectly acceptable choice for someone to make. But the statistical difference suggests that there are other factors at work besides a lifestyle choice.
The hard truth is that some childhood cancer survivors have to work much harder than their peers to overcome barriers of intimacy, sexuality, and self-esteem, often as a result of long-term effects from their disease or treatment.
As with all aspects of your survivorship, remember that there are tools and resources out there to help you overcome some of these challenges.
Single? Fear of rejection or failure often prevents cancer survivors from re-entering the dating world after treatment. Remember that everyone - even your healthy peers - face the same fear every time they ask someone out for coffee. Be open to meeting new people and to forming new relationships. But be sure you’re ready to handle rejection if it does come your way. If your self-esteem is suffering, work on that first - otherwise, you might be in for a big set-back on your road to emotional well-being.
A suggested exercise is imagining in your mind the absolute worst thing that you could hear from someone that you might be interested in dating when you tell them about your cancer. Now, figure out how you would cope with hearing that. Could you handle it maturely, with confidence and conviction in your self-worth? If so, then you’re ready to step into the dating world.
“When do I have the cancer talk?” This is the biggest question cancer survivors have when they are meeting new people and considering a relationship with someone who doesn’t know about their cancer experience. There’s no single right answer. You don’t owe anyone your story, especially people you don’t yet know well or trust. But if you wait too long to reveal your cancer history, a new partner might feel like you’ve been dishonest. Some people want to get it out in the open on the first date so all their cards are on the table. Whenever you choose to have the talk, try to make sure you have privacy and adequate time to talk without interruptions. Your partner will likely have a lot of questions. You should ask questions back. It should be a two-way conversation and a time for both of you to learn a lot about each other. Let your new partner know that if they need some time to process the news, you can resume the conversation again in a few days.
Intimacy and Sexual Health
Your cancer and treatment may have had an impact on your physical appearance. Long-term physical effects such as weight gain or loss or surgical scars may impact your overall self-esteem and make you uncomfortable in a sexual relationship.
The key to overcoming confused feelings about being intimate is to be honest with both your partner and your doctor.
Discussing reproductive issues and sexual concerns can be embarrassing and scary. However, the benefits of an open discussion far outweigh keeping these concerns to yourself.
Discussing these issues and working to feel good about yourself will help you have healthier and happier relationships.
Sex Drive: Your ability and desire to perform sexually can be affected by both physical or psychologically challenges. It’s important to pinpoint the cause-and-effects of your unique situation.
Emotionally, you may be suffering from depression, guilt, fear, or embarrassment. Sometimes, low self-esteem leads people to engage in sex less frequently, feel more anxious about sex, have difficulty becoming aroused or deriving pleasure from sex, avoid sex, or engage in it too freely or dangerously.
Physically, hormonal treatment during or after cancer may have had side effects that impact your sex drive, including vaginal dryness or a decrease in testosterone. Sometimes, survivors who experienced surgery or radiation in the pelvic area may actually experience physical pain during intercourse. Men may have more trouble becoming aroused and/or reaching orgasm.
You may benefit from seeking out medical and/or psychological assistance, if late effects like these are lingering well after treatment ends. There may be medical interventions that can help, and a professional counselor can help you sort through your feelings about sex and provide guidance in helping you to reach a more healthy level of intimacy with your partner.
Possible Solutions:
If you are suffering from fatigue, talk to your partner about sexual positions that will require less energy or strain. Respect your limits.
If you are suffering from pain during intercourse, it is important to talk to both your doctor and your partner about how and where it hurts.
There are medications available for both men and women to increase sex drive, increase vaginal lubrication or the ability to maintain an erection, and increase the ability to achieve orgasm. Talk to your doctor about what options are available to you.
If you’re embarrassed about your physical appearance, you should work with your partner and a professional to increase your comfort level with your body. There may be small things that make you more comfortable being intimate, like turning the lights down or keeping a shirt on, but it’s important to address the underlying issues for the sake of your long-term sexual and emotional health.
Remember that your gender and your identity is not determined by the presence of your testicles, your breasts, or your sex drive. You’ve spent a lifetime becoming the person you are - cancer can’t take that away.